Today's breakfast was the best tasting food I've ever had

*Insert the clip from the movie Fight Club that Nelson showed us where Brad Pitt convinces the Asian man to pursue his dream as a veterinarian, and after he leaves, Brad says "he's gonna wake up tomorrow morning, and his breakfast is gonna taste better than anything you or I could ever imagine" (something along the lines of that, please watch the movie or find the clip, I just spent 97 minutes trying to find it with no success, so this will have to do)*

I've put myself in a full nelson.

I've been wrestling with this decision for awhile now.

But this neck-breaking illegal move just won't get me out of this stalemate. It won't get me to focus.

I've wondered if I just squeeze a litter harder and break my spinal cord that maybe not feeling anymore is the best way to go.

But then again "teenagers can't think straight. they don't have their spinal cords attached yet" - a mother of one of my good friends.

I've been out on the mat for such a long time, my endurance is nonexistent at this point.

I've listened for the referee whistle to snap me back to reality. Or at least for my neck to snap. Or my sanity. There I go again, losing focus. When the opponent is myself I can't afford to lose focus like this.

There's another wrestling move, also called the full Nelson. It's when the contemplation of continuing to love Raoul or ditch him to find my Phantom begins to suffocate me to the point where my head starts to spin, my vision starts to blur, and I lose all focus. 

And unfortunately, it's completely legal. In fact, it's a mandatory experience for those who aspire to be artists, have considered being an artist, and those who have truly witnessed art.

Whether I'm being strangled by my full nelson or getting choked by the full Nelson, I am dying.

Yes, every minute of every moment, the good, the bad, and the ugly, I take one breath closer to my death. I am not one to be morbid, but there's no plan, no cure, nothing even to ease the symptoms. The inevitable is upon all of us, from the newborns to the lovers to the fighters to the dreamers to the elderly and back again. There is nothing we can change about it.

Yet, there is something we can change. We don't have to spend each consecutive moment at fate's whimsy. As we approach death, we can make that destination more fulfilled.

You can care about success and wealth and careers and status and respect but when it boils down to when all those moments have vanished and you find yourself closer to dying than ever before, what matters most is the happiness you have accumulated, for your own means and for others, the love you give and receive, the cherished relationships you from over the years, and the passion you find in creation and art.












The date is January 3rd, 2014. I am driving with my father down a distant, unfamiliar road towards our destination. A moment passes, then another. I'm tired, I lack any legitimate focus. We approach death and our destination and as I found out, destiny, with increasing velocity. It was then and there I understood what my Phantom was. And how dumb I was to trick myself into loving Raoul simply because everyone told us we looked good together.

The muse came. I was able to breathe. I continued on my way to death, but I didn't mind. I found a purpose, a passion. At that moment I began to look at the world with a newly furnished glow in my eye.

There's an abandoned engagement ring somewhere along that road.

I have no plans of turning back, the Phantom and I are in a relationship now.





And you could say it's getting pretty serious.

- Insolence is Bliss