Wednesday, November 6, 2013

What is wrong about me.



I'm sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I've been so frustrated lately, as everyone that sleeps under the roof as me has been trying to figure out what is wrong with me. 

That's not how it works: Look for the wrong, to make their child right. Maybe we could beat the wrong out of him with a stick made out of ignorance, condescending attitude, and the absence of good parenting.

Makes sense, right? 

I hope I don't turn into such a monster when I'm a parent. It's not even the direct things they do, it's the culmination of turning their head the other way and not treating me like I belong in this world.

I've apparently been demoted to the heap of flesh that just eats all their food and sleeps and argues and plays his music too loud and is the source of every problem in this house. Don't forget I'm too unintelligent and mindless to think otherwise though.

In their position, they made the obvious decision to send their "trouble child" to a therapist. Among many things I gained from that appointment, a few stood out to me.

- Not all therapists are crazy psychotic whack-jobs who belong in asylum. In fact, they can be really chill.

- I have no home to go to. There is nowhere for me to fall back on.

- He diagnosed me with  Dysthymic Disorder. Look it up if you really care to know whats wrong with me.

My concern was, now that my parents proved there is something wrong with me, is that the best step to making it right? If not they can always fall back on plan B, beating the bad out of me so only good will be left behind. Logical, I know.

Perhaps all parents at some point go through a mandatory brainwashing to force them to think and treat their offspring and non-adults differently. Maybe when the first child is born they make the parents lose all reasonable feelings and critical thinking skills towards their children by means of some diabolical machine.

(Nelson, please tell me how you avoided being hooked up to that machine, because you're different when it comes to being an adult. I don't want to be an ignorant person. I need to keep my insolence. It keeps me alive



All I want is for someone to prove there is something right about me, that I have purpose in this world. And for someone to provide a home. No, not a place to sleep, but a place where the heart longs to be. A place of comfort. People always say they want to run away, to move out. There has to be a place I belong to before I have a place to leave.

There needs a place where what I do right is celebrated.

Because right now I don't have a home.

And that scares me.







-Insolence is Bliss

8 comments:

  1. I hope you know that nearly everything is right about you.

    "I need to keep my insolence. It keeps me alive."

    I love that.

    And I'm sorry.

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  2. "Maybe we could beat the wrong out of him with a stick"
    I.
    Love.
    You.
    Your crayons...are beautiful. You are beautiful. Okay?
    Also, I love how you're just strait up. You just say it like it is, you don't hide behind fancyishness.

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  3. Amen.
    "There has to be a place I belong to before I have a place to leave."
    That sentence could not be more perfect... I'm sorry what you go through, no one deserves it.. I think you will be an outstanding parent.

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    Replies
    1. I hope you know that is one of the greatest compliments anyone could give me. As that is one of my greatest fears (not being a good parent) and my parents always tell me that I will never be an adequate parent.

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  4. I love this. Love love love. My parents tell me I will never get married because of my depression. So I kinda know how it is. It sucks. But hey, you will find that place. You are celebrated. I love the blog because we finally fit in somewhere and we are accepted. And dont forget that.

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  5. Give me your heart, I'll make it my home.
    Give me your soul, I'll keep it warm.
    Send me your guilt, and worries, and doubts.
    I'll make them part of me, and together we'll count
    All the stars in the sky, all the lives that fly by.
    We can imagine a life, that is held by the strings of our kites.
    I'll create a world for you, just give me your strife.
    I'll make you a writer, lover and fighter.
    Sing with my muses, if you can't find your own.
    Because you are good,
    I'll give you my heart,
    to make it your home.

    I writed you a poem....

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    Replies
    1. This was so beautiful. I'm honestly speechless right now. I tried to copy my favorite line but I love the whole thing and it is flawless.

      Thank you for the gift, and even more for your presence.

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    2. Thank you/ you're welcome :) I've re written this comment like 9 times. Thank you for your support, enthusiasm, and genuine caring, and even more for your Insolence.

      Delete