What Comes Next

Sometimes I wonder:


If I die, will it be without regrets?

How will my health be tomorrow?

Is there a person out there insane enough to be coherent with me?

Do I truly believe in God or have I tricked myself this whole time?

Am I the only one left who hasn't traded my romance for security?




Yet I can't figure it out, I'm just trying to get a handle on today.

Flesh and Bones

Going about my daily routine

People pass me by

Walking, talking, laughing crying,

Living in their sphere of existence

Nothing but heaps of 

Flesh and Bones

Sat in class

Learned interesting facts

About dead folks

Whose history is supposed to matter to me

Yet now they are silently decaying

Flesh and Bones

Conversation is a thing I cherish

Being with others

Sharing

Ideas, questions, answers

Jokes, quotes, thoughts

strengths, weaknesses, feelings

that all belong to some

Flesh and Bones

A house that I live in

The others there defined as family

They brought me here

To this strange and beautiful world

Our DNA is alike

Other than my stepmom

But that doesn't limit what to consider family

Does it mean anything to have similar

Flesh and Bones

Holding a hand has great significance

But what am I grasping

Hugs are always soothing

Yet what do I embrace

Kissing is quite enjoyable

But tongues and lips are really gross if you think about it

So what am I locking lips with

Flesh and Bones

(and maybe hormones)

To eat is to survive

for a natural need and satisfaction

To feed a growth, a hunger

Organic and synthetic,

Cravings and comforts,

Preservatives and indulgences

We are only sustaining

Flesh and Bones

Systems

Organs

Tissues

Cells

Molecules

Atoms

Elements

Mitochondria, nucleus and whatever else I learned in Biology

God's legos for his human blueprint

Creatures capable of infinite possibilites

Although his work simply amounts to

Flesh and Bones

Sights are seen

Flavor is tasted

Textures are felt

Noise is heard

Aromas are smelt

Life is lived

By the guy who wrote this poem

Even though he is just 

Flesh and Bones

This is one of the first things that I wrote that I was ever proud of, and it was probably over two years ago. Start of high school or so. I am posting it because I enjoy it and want it documented, but also so you can see the evolution of my writing from then til now. Thanks to everyone who still reads this blog, even though most of you left Paris. I bought an apartment there, and you're all welcome for dinner sometime. Heck, you can all stay if you want.

-Your Captain, Insolence is Bliss

Prioritize the system.

"They warned about the violence in video games. The sex in movies. And the language on tv. But never about the romance in music."    -Dick Tidrow

They told me how to tie my shoes
They told me to love the red white and blue

But they never told me how to be happy

They taught about the founding fathers
They taught of Moses parting the waters

But they never taught me how to smile

They wrote of the ancient kings
They wrote of what war brings

But they never wrote on how to sing


At the end of each day, does your grade in your physics class affect the relationships that actually hold meaning to you? Does your spirituality make the joke that the atheist kid told any less humorous? Will it be more important to have read more books or to have more people you love without hesitation?


I am desperately trying to clarify to myself what my priorities are and what direction I need, but to no avail.

The system dictating the norms once again has limited the extent that I can dream.

I often find myself wanting to scream "screw the system" at the top of my lungs on all the rooftops so I can gather all the dreamers and start a coup d'etat against monotony.

But the monopoly of reality unpleasantly brings me to a rude awakening. Again.



They warned about trench-coat strangers
They warned about the different kinds of danger

But they never warned about falling in love.

- Your Captain, Insolence is Bliss

The Real Talk of an Insomniac

I have been told I have the happiest eyes.
I have been told they are the saddest shade of blue.

I believe both to be true.


But these eyes are tired.


Sleep have escaped this blue longer than a bad family reunion.

And I see you.

I see you, your Paris, and the way you dream.
But you can't see me, you're too busy sleeping.

You don't see the man who takes the stairs instead of the elevator because he wants to feel like he knows where he is going.
Who takes the beaten path because he likes the scenery better.
Who is afraid of sleeping, because he's worried he might miss a beautiful moment.



At night, I have staring contests with the stars
Don't get me started with the reigning champion Mars
I count the cars that drive by and the headlights make me blink.

The constellations have won again.

When I close my eyes, I look at the back of my eyelids and search for Paris, yet Paris is more than a few staring contests away.

I try to dream, but can't fall asleep because of the way you make me feel, the way you get my mind racing, the way you make me stop breathing.

You see, because of you I'm an Insomniac,
One thought of you and I have a heart attack,
Yes, this cardiac arrest in my chest
Is why you deprive me of my rest

But, rest assured, you don't even know.

You're too busy sleeping.

While I'm wide awake,
dreaming for the whole world to see.

 - Your captain, Sawyer Young

Today's breakfast was the best tasting food I've ever had

*Insert the clip from the movie Fight Club that Nelson showed us where Brad Pitt convinces the Asian man to pursue his dream as a veterinarian, and after he leaves, Brad says "he's gonna wake up tomorrow morning, and his breakfast is gonna taste better than anything you or I could ever imagine" (something along the lines of that, please watch the movie or find the clip, I just spent 97 minutes trying to find it with no success, so this will have to do)*

I've put myself in a full nelson.

I've been wrestling with this decision for awhile now.

But this neck-breaking illegal move just won't get me out of this stalemate. It won't get me to focus.

I've wondered if I just squeeze a litter harder and break my spinal cord that maybe not feeling anymore is the best way to go.

But then again "teenagers can't think straight. they don't have their spinal cords attached yet" - a mother of one of my good friends.

I've been out on the mat for such a long time, my endurance is nonexistent at this point.

I've listened for the referee whistle to snap me back to reality. Or at least for my neck to snap. Or my sanity. There I go again, losing focus. When the opponent is myself I can't afford to lose focus like this.

There's another wrestling move, also called the full Nelson. It's when the contemplation of continuing to love Raoul or ditch him to find my Phantom begins to suffocate me to the point where my head starts to spin, my vision starts to blur, and I lose all focus. 

And unfortunately, it's completely legal. In fact, it's a mandatory experience for those who aspire to be artists, have considered being an artist, and those who have truly witnessed art.

Whether I'm being strangled by my full nelson or getting choked by the full Nelson, I am dying.

Yes, every minute of every moment, the good, the bad, and the ugly, I take one breath closer to my death. I am not one to be morbid, but there's no plan, no cure, nothing even to ease the symptoms. The inevitable is upon all of us, from the newborns to the lovers to the fighters to the dreamers to the elderly and back again. There is nothing we can change about it.

Yet, there is something we can change. We don't have to spend each consecutive moment at fate's whimsy. As we approach death, we can make that destination more fulfilled.

You can care about success and wealth and careers and status and respect but when it boils down to when all those moments have vanished and you find yourself closer to dying than ever before, what matters most is the happiness you have accumulated, for your own means and for others, the love you give and receive, the cherished relationships you from over the years, and the passion you find in creation and art.












The date is January 3rd, 2014. I am driving with my father down a distant, unfamiliar road towards our destination. A moment passes, then another. I'm tired, I lack any legitimate focus. We approach death and our destination and as I found out, destiny, with increasing velocity. It was then and there I understood what my Phantom was. And how dumb I was to trick myself into loving Raoul simply because everyone told us we looked good together.

The muse came. I was able to breathe. I continued on my way to death, but I didn't mind. I found a purpose, a passion. At that moment I began to look at the world with a newly furnished glow in my eye.

There's an abandoned engagement ring somewhere along that road.

I have no plans of turning back, the Phantom and I are in a relationship now.





And you could say it's getting pretty serious.

- Insolence is Bliss