Valuable

Dear Insolence,

There's something you need to know. If I could go back in time, I would spend the next 12 years of my life winding back every clock in the world to do it. Not to change things that happened, but to greater learn the importance of value. Because had I understood myself what is valuable more those mistakes wouldn't have been made. It's not a matter of erasing the consequences, it's about personal strength through understanding.

I am suddenly aging faster than ever, because now every time I see a small white car my heart skips a beat and aches and tears itself apart and reopens the scars I had wished to forget about. I don't know whether I will die of heart failure or failure to have a heart. Because every moment it's being replaced with scar tissue and abandoned hopes and I'm scared because I don't know when it will stop functioning.

Don't be too hard on yourself though, you've never had anyone to teach you what value is. I know what it is like to have to learn what every swear word is through friends parents or what is deemed "okay" by messing up and being known as the strange kid who does strange things and people not wanting to be your friend because of it.

That's probably why we are so good at observation, that was the only way we ever learned anything was by observing. 

Work through your obliviousness, it makes things difficult (you got it from your dad), persevere and empathy will become your strength.

Learn to value God and never forget that He values you. His love is never ending, while everything else you will experience will be temporary.

Acknowledge that others won't have the same ideas of value as you. That they will completely disregard what you are worth because of mortal mistakes you have made. Most of your life your value will go under appreciated. Do not let that dishearten your efforts to find the magic in others.

Find forgiveness in others. Even if they aren't willing to forgive you. For they are worth a great deal, and they will make mortal mistakes too. You have asked to forgive all men, so don't make exceptions. Your mother told you "I think the most amazing and valuable qualities someone can posses is their ability to forgive."

There is value in tuna melts and clam chowder and delicious hair and garden gnomes and Skype calls and wonderfully crazy families and poetry and run on sentences.

Know that you can't buy happiness, not that you'll ever be rich anyway; that the wealthiest of people are the ones with the richest relationships.

Remember that the things with the greatest value are the purest ones. That you will experience things both pure and impure and see the worth of yourself and those around you even further.

Never forget that even though some people have had eyes in the back of their heads at some point, that hindsight is a distraction. Then keep your gaze forward with your feet firmly leading you there. Barefoot, preferably.

Lastly, always, ALWAYS know that you are loved dearly by those around you. You may feel like your affections for others do not get reciprocated, but they do. I wish I had known that back then.

But clocks don't go backwards and clam chowder is only good in Boston.

Love,

Sawyer James

My Ambrosia

AMBROSIA -

Spelling: A-m-b-r-o-s-i-a

Definition: The food of the gods, and once tasted, all other food becomes bland, bitter, and tasteless.




Sine times of old mankind has tasted food divine,
they consume great works of art with a ravenous hunger.
But departed from my severed memory and trodden mind
is the flavor that escaped my grasp.


Your tantalizing lips still tempt me
Ample enough to fill my quota
Do not mistake my words for lust
But listen with your heart, my ambrosia.


The clever methods in which you try to hide your radiance brings me to this conclusion: the illusion of your withdrawn fortification of but a labyrinth - one part beautiful, two parts elusive.
The forbidden fruit beckons me to you.
Yet, none of it is palpable, your aroma is not tangible but all I want is to be able to let your embrace provide stability in a world that is unstable.

Break the cable that holds you back because even your decadence becomes sour with distance. So the instance you uncage your heart let me know.

For you are my Ambrosia in a world full of fast food, yes, the cuisine of the gods, though you don't include me when you dine.

No matter how good it tastes, all food goes cold.
Yet you still turn others away.

Because if food was meant to be eaten then you were meant to be loved.



If you do not believe me through
my attempt at poetry and prose
Then listen to me praise you
the same that I worship Jehovah
And please believe me in
the way I love you, My Ambrosia.